Hello all it is another sleepless night for Kristin, it is 5:28am and I haven't slept a minute tonight. I am really getting tired of this. So as I try to keep myself occupied throughout the night (you can only read, and watch late night TV for so long) I have been looking at so many people's blogs. They are all so cute and give me tons of ideas, I love seeing all my friends from School and people that I just knew of, how there lives have turned out and all the cute kids that have come into these families.
That gets me to my point of my title of this post. While it makes me very sad that I don't have children of my own, even though we tried very hard, Korey and I were on infertility medicine for almost 5 years, going to the doctor 3 times a week sometimes and we spent close to $10,000.00 trying to get pregnant. That avenue never panned out for us so we were on the LDS adoption list for 3 years and that never worked out either. I cried myself to sleep so many nights wondering what had I done so wrong in my life that I wasn't good enough to be a mother. That is all I wanted, and I saw so many people out there who had kids but didn't care and didn't want to take care of the children, I would get so upset over this and was very bitter and resentful for way too long.
Well my point in all of this is that Heavenly Father really does know what he is doing, I am so grateful that I don't have children now that I am going through this divorce from Korey. It is hard enough on me and I am a grown woman but to put a helpless child through that would be so hard for me to do. So while I still long to be a mother I am grateful that at this time I don't have to struggle with the knowledge that I was hurting my child.
It is enough stress on me knowing that my poor little nephew Zackary is having health issues becuase of what is giong on, it just kills me to know that I am causing a 6 year old to have stomach issues and stress, I am so sorry Zackary I love you with all of my heart and soul and hope one day that you will understand and forgive me, I pray that this will not have a lasting effect on you and that you get back to your cute little fun self with no health issues!!!!
I just want to express my gratitude toward my Heavenly Father for all that was done on my behalf, I know that I have sinned so many times and that those sins hurt Jesus Christ, I am so sorry for all of my shortcomings, but I am grateful that Jesus bled and died for me so that I can return to them one day. Going through this experience has brought me so much closer to the Lord and the Church, I am so glad to have the Holy Ghost back in my life, I missed that protection and calm spirit around me! I pray that I will be stronger in the future and have a better testimony and never let myself go away from my Heavenly Father and the teachings that I know are true and right!
I love you all!
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